What to look for in December 2007
by Jerry Carpenter

I only ever ponder philosophical quandaries when they're to my benefit, and one such occasion has befallen my weary head as I flip through December's Previews. As my mind floats through an existential void where nothing matters, it occurs to me that Christmas after Christmas I dole gifts upon gifts to people who in return give me, for lack of a better term, shit presents. That is fine because I cannot control what ungrateful fuckers do; I can only control what I do. So, with this in mind, I've come to the conclusion that I may be the only person able to please me on Christmas. Therefore, I have decided, with a heavy and humble heart, I'M BUYING MY OWN CHRISTMAS BOOTY! Screw getting my little sister that Nintendo DS game! Jerry needs him some comics. In this selfish Christmas spirit, here's a list of what the rest of my fellow soulless fan boy plunderers are ignoring loved ones' feelings for!

10. Hulk Vs. Fin Fang Foom One-Shot
Marvel Comics
(w) Peter David
(a) TBA

The yuletide season brings us green Christmas trees, green mistletoe, green sprinkles on crappy cookies, green vomit after Dad's drunken binge raging about your mother…and a whomping green battle between the Hulk and Marvel's dumbest villain, Fin Fang Foom! Hey, what's the green thing fluttering away from me and into Peter David's hand? Oh, my money! And in the spirit of Christmas surprises, the artist hasn't even been announced yet! Let's hope Santa brings a real gift and we get Rob Liefeld! Club-footed Hulks for everyone!

9. Bat Lash #1
DC Comics
(w) Peter Brandvold & Sergio Aragnones
(a) John Severin

It's so good to see the Christmas spirit can warm the Scrooge in all of us, helping us to suspend our belief and assure DC that the market can support TWO western books coming out of the same company. Hell, it worked for Marvel's Western Month! Oh wait! It didn't! Silly me! Even with eggnog goggles I can still see the pointlessness contained herein. However, I'd rather see DC taking risks like this than the crossover coal lumps Dan Didio is generously dishing out this season.

8. Northlanders #1
DC Comics / Vertigo Comics
(w) Brian Wood
(a) Davide Gianfelice

Really, the first thing that springs to mind every winter are those cheery Vikings, slaughtering and maiming and plundering their way into our hearts. Now, uber-scribe Brian Wood begins his new ongoing about Viking debauchery. While admittedly not as cheery as other optimistic Wood fare such as DMZ or Channel Zero, Northlanders looks to be a raunchy fun romp suitable for the whole family. Curl up next to the fireplace and read to Junior about the tale of Sven and his noble quest to kill and dismember those that have wronged him and his family.

7. G.I. Joe vs. Transformers Vol. 1-4 Omnibus
Devil's Due Publishing
(w) Various
(a) Various

Choking…on…nostalgia…overload! Why…in the hell…do people keep buying this crap? Your…37! Get…over…it! Aghhhh!!!!*

*On a serious note, it has come to my attention that many of you Transformers and G.I. Joe fans may be offended by my ignorant remarks. Having not read any of the above material, it is not my place to mock or poke fun at 80s properties that have worn out their welcome. I'm quite sure that comics based on children's toy lines can be entertaining, refreshing, and not at all stagnant and appealing only to a niche audience unable to let the past be the past.

6. Ultimates 3 #1
Marvel Comics
(w) Jeph Loeb
(a) Joe Madureira & Christian Lichtner

Joy to the world! Ultimate Venom is back! If that doesn't just warm your heart like a cup of symbiotic cocoa, how about a murder mystery and high octane adventure delivered by Jeph Loeb and Joe "Wolvie's Bicep Will Break Your Face" Madureira? There's another bright side to this one folks; if the previous incarnations of this title were any indication, this series will be the gift that keeps on giving resolicit after resolicit!

5. The Darkness #1
Image Comics / Top Cow
(w) Phil Hester
(a) Michael Broussard

What's better than the birth of the Christ? The rebirth of another Top Cow property, that's what! Hot on the heels of a new video game and a new action figure from Marvel Toys comes another reboot of the popular The Darkness! Thank God Marvel cancelled Kirkman's Ant-Man book so Hester could stop drawing amazing artwork, leaving him time to write worthwhile material like this. Christmas has truly come early!

4. Grendel: Devil Quest
Dark Horse Comics
(w) Matt Wagner
(a) Matt Wagner

Once again, hack Matt Wagner poisons my preview list with another affordable, high quality Grendel hardcover collecting material that has been out of print for years. Listen, if I wanted a Christmas full of enlightenment and quality, I'll volunteer my precious time down at a soup kitchen. And believe me, there's about as much chance of that happening as there is me actually giving my mother a hug before her cyst removal surgery. A cyst is a cyst, a hungry bum is still a worthless bum, and Matt Wagner is still a hack! Take a hike, Wagner!

3. Incognegro
DC Comics / Vertigo Comics
(w) Mat Johnson
(a) Warren Pleece

If you're the socially-minded gift giver this holiday season, this new Vertigo hardcover may be a great gift. Detailing the life of an African-American reporter passing as a white man to expose lynching, this looks to be a great read. I, however, won't be reading it, as the only comics writer I feel can write black people seriously is Garth Ennis. Seriously, the man know his gangsta shee-at, boy-eeeeee!

2. The Next Issue Project #1: Fantastic Comics #24
Image Comics
(w) Various
(a) Various

Erik Larsen, balding brainchild that he is, has decided to take old cancelled comics that are now in the public domain and continue the stories with new issues. Sounds like a load of bullshit to me, but I suppose if you're looking for ingenuity and novel ideas in comics, you could waste your money.

1. Amazing Spider-Man #546, #547, #548
Marvel Comics
(w) Dan Slott
(a) Steve McNiven

What's red and black and three times the fun this December? No, not Santa in a threesome with Venus and Serena Williams! Amazing Spider-Man starts coming out three times a month! After the shocking events of crossover #33 that stemmed from the shocking events of mega-event #16 that were ramifications from the shocking events of miniseries X, Spider-Man starts a Brand New Day™! My only hope is that Dan Slott can write enough scenes with Spider-Man being kicked in the nuts to bring out McNiven's talents in drawing clenched faces!